Question
I need a reset with our boys, ages 11, 9, 6 & 5. After a season of intense caring for our baby and 2-year-old daughter, things have become a disaster. The top misbehaviors in the house are disobedience (doing only what they want to do), disturbing the family peace (villain/victim dance, tattling, wailing, physical altercations), and destruction of property. They are reminded to do chores (the work is sub-par) and they wander away when things are not finished, despite my directive, "Come tell me when you're done."
I am stuck on the administering of consequences because I feel like I have no control over enforcing them. The four boys share a bedroom and even if they are separated, they can be loud, destructive, and a general menace. They don't have activities I can take away, they have almost zero screen time, and they have few personal possessions (some confiscated toys are clogging up my closet). I need direction on where to start because it feels overwhelming.
Thank you in advance.
Answer
The first rule of thumb: If you attempt to solve more than one problem at a time, you will solve none and probably make things worse. So, let's begin by solving the villian/victim drama. The crucial thing is that when the drama occurs, YOU DO NOT MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO FIGURE OUT WHO WAS IN THE RIGHT. instead, simply put BOTH kids in a small room (half-bath, laundry room) for one hour. Set a timer outside the door. Do not set it until both kids are completely quiet, like mice. If they begin making noise, re-set it. When the timer goes off, they can come out. That will solve villain/victim within a week or two, but KEEP IT UP! if you let off the pressure, it will start back up again. When that's solved, get back in touch and we will solve another issue. Slowly but surely, peace will be restored in the valley.
John Rosemond
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