Question
I have a 6-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. My daughter, like many first-borns, tends to be bossy and often takes on a "little mama" role, frequently telling her brother what to do and what not to do. While she’s a great helper, she sometimes pushes boundaries. My son, on the other hand, is more sensitive and can express his needs clearly. However, he often gets bossed around by his sister, which leads to whining, defiance, and frequent “no”s or “I don’t want to” responses. Instead of talking, he whines. I’ve tried pulling him aside to encourage better communication and practicing “do-overs” when he struggles to recover, but it's still a challenge. I’ve also asked my daughter to ease up on being so bossy, but this hasn’t been effective either. To top it off, I’m 36 weeks pregnant and unsure how these dynamics will shift with the new baby. How can I reduce the bossiness and whining, and how can I prepare for the upcoming changes in our family dynamic? Help!
Answer
Hello, and thank you for your question. Congratulations on your growing family!
You're in a special time of child-raising in which your soon to be 3 children will have very different needs. Your infant's needs will come first, as the baby can't wait for you nearly as long as your older children can (even if they don't like it.) I imagine the prospect of what's to come is daunting, but having 2 older children may actually be a blessing! Hear me out...
You have a few more weeks, maybe, to convince your kids that they have a very special role to play when the baby is born. Tell them that babies don't really know anything, especially how to wait quietly! You'll need their help fetching diapers, wipes, bottles, blankets, burp clothes ~ pretty much anything that they can identify and bring to you for the baby should be their job. Tell them that babies love their siblings and enjoy being read to and sung to and talked to and gently loved. Practice with dolls, practice locating and carrying the things you'll need, have them pick out special books to read to the baby and special toys to share.
Let your children know that, not only are they gaining a sibling, they're growing up and gaining your trust and more responsibilities. Tell them what an important part of the family they are, and how you know they will be the best big brother and sister. Make this upcoming joyous event as much about them as you possibly can. If family and friends want to help out, ask them to spend special time with your older children. Act as if having a new baby is something you did for them. They will be less likely to resent the baby and more likely to celebrate the fact that they're becoming really big kids!!
Don't interfere with their squabbles unless there's danger. Limit their screen time to an hour a day, and when you really need them to be occupied. Limit the added sugars and empty calories in their diets. Understand that 3-year-olds aren't masters of self-control which is why they need to practice a lot! I was able to cure my children's whining by simply refusing to pay attention to it, claiming I couldn't understand that voice. I recorded them whining, played it back to them and said that I would not be responding to that voice because it hurt my ears, and I couldn't listen to it. And I followed through each time so that the whining was mostly gone after a few weeks.
As for your daughter, please remove the word "bossy" from your vocabulary. It has such negative connotations when what's true is that little girls who like to be in charge are born leaders who aren't afraid of challenges and are able to assert themselves. It's all good, but not necessarily in a child. She'll learn the right avenues for her leadership tendencies, with experience and loving guidance. Celebrate her personality while civilizing her manners. Having taught many, and raised one, I promise that a bossy little girl is a wonderful thing, eventually! Give her chores and other things over which she is in charge and watch her grow!
Wishing you a smooth delivery and happy days ahead!
Warmly,
Wendy Faucett
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
wendyfaucett@gmail.com
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