Question
Hi, we transitioned my son to a full bed because he began climbing out of his crib, and it was becoming unsafe. He has always been a great independent sleeper. However, now he requires either me or my husband to lie down with him to get him to sleep. If left alone, he gets out of his bed, opens the door, and leaves the room. We take him back to his room, and close the door, but he comes out. THe cycle repeats.
I’m not comfortable with locking him in his room and we have tried “you can do anything in your room, but you must stay in your room” thinking who cares if he plays and eventually falls asleep on the floor. Once he falls asleep, we leave his room. He wakes up a few hours later and enters our room wanting to sleep with us. My husband or I walk him back to his bed and lie down with him until he falls asleep. Often we end up falling asleep in his bed & wake up with him. Other times we sneak back to our room but he usually wakes up again and the cycle repeats. Is this just a phase? Any tips? A new baby is due in a few months and we need to have this under control by then.
Answer
Hello, and thank you for writing. There are a few ways to approach this. You can decide which one might fit your needs and personalities and expectations.
A little history: Our son, who is now 28, paid us visits in the wee hours when he was 2 - 3. The visits lasted about 6 months. About 2 months in, my husband asked whether we should do something about it and I told him no, and that one day we'll miss his visits. However, we didn't have a new baby coming soon and that complicates things. I imagine you want him in his own bedroom when you have a newborn to tend.
You can start priming him on what his responsibilities will be to his new sibling and the family once the baby is born. You can tell him that big brothers sleep in their own rooms because it's better for their new baby. He knows things are changing at home and with his parents, so give him a new and special role in the family. Laying down with him is tempting and cozy, but falling asleep with him is setting yourself up for trouble.
I also suggest using the Doctor Cure. Tell him that you've spoken with his doctor who told you that the reason a smart almost 3-year-old boy is having trouble staying in his own room is that he's not getting enough sleep or taking long enough warm baths or getting too much screen time or sugar or anything else you know he likes. You can offer him one "pass" into your room, and when it's gone, he has to wait until the next night for another. You can convert his bedroom door to a Dutch door that locks from the outside and lock it after he uses his pass. Tell him the doctor said his bed is just for him and your bed is just for you and your husband (and new babies who don't know anything yet). You can decide to employ a combination of the suggestions above. It really isn't about the particular "method" as much as it is about your presentation of the methods you choose and your commitment to following through with whatever you choose.
Search this site for "bedtime" or "sleep" and you'll find lots of different approaches to a very normal situation. Ultimately, you want to transition him away from being your baby into being your big boy and that will help him develop the self-control and understanding he needs. Give him every opportunity to be capable and learn new things and give him regular responsibilities in the home so he knows he's an integral part of the family.
Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your son's sibling! What a wonderful time of your lives!
Warmly,
Wendy Faucett
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
wendyfaucett@gmail.com
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