Question
How do I help my 8-year-old cope with losing?
Answer
First of all, great question! As adults, we know that losing is a normal part of life and therefore, learning how to handle it well is a vitally important skill.
I would submit that you want your child to do more than cope with losing. You want him/her to learn to win and lose well, show good sportsmanship, and celebrate the victories of others. You want your child to have enough emotional maturity to move beyond the belief that he/she is entitled to win. Kids who believe they are entitled to win grow into adults who never got past the "me first!" philosophy of life - and the consequences of that philosophy only grow as one ages.
The first, and most powerful way for a parent to teach important values is to model them ourselves. You might think, "Yah, but I don't play on a sports team," or "I don't have win/lose situations in my life," - but we all do. Think about work and financial situations your child hears you talk about...what does your child see/hear from you on the road, when others drive aggressively to "win"? The win/lose dynamic presents itself often, and children learn more from what we do than what we say. Does my behavior show my child that I need to get what I want, that I "deserve to win"?
Secondly, what does it mean to win and lose well? A self-centered, immature vision says winning means I get what I WANT, what I DESERVE, and it's impossible to "lose well" because losing always means I'm not getting what I want. Ergo, it's important to model and teach children that winning and losing isn't all about ME ME ME. Every time I win or lose, my behavior affects the people around me, for better or worse. Showing good sportsmanship requires focusing on developing my skills, rather than focusing on winning; focusing on working as a team, instead of being consumed by what I want; treating others as I'd want to be treated.
All of this requires increasing self-discipline, as opposed to increasing self-absorption. Our children do not develop self-discipline independently, and that's where you step in to lead. I suggest paying special attention to how you role model the win/lose situations in your life. Then, let your child know that you're going to teach him how to win and lose and show good sportsmanship. Search your local library catalog for picture books on the subject. Find examples of professional/Olympic athletes winning and losing well and talk about the books/video clips. Focus on how the examples demonstrate treating others as you would want to be treated.
Set some expectations for your child, starting with addressing the biggest current problems. For example, if your child currently whines or screams when he/she loses, let him/her know there will now be a consequence (you choose an appropriate one,) if that choice happens again, because you expect good sportsmanship. If the bad behavior involves solo games, like a video game, let him/her know that the games are unavailable until he/she has enough self-control to handle losing well. Put the games away and focus on teaching for a few weeks until you give a chance to try again.
As your child gains maturity and self-discipline, raise your expectations and continue with consequences if they aren't met. Remember, you provide the good role model and teaching - but you cannot provide the good choices for your child. This is their job, so keep it that way. Don't lecture or cajole...just provide the best environment, including expectations and consequences, for them to learn this important virtue...and let your child do the work. You'll be so glad you did!
Shyla Lee
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
retroparentcoach.com
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